Improving your relationship with a negative parent
My mother has always been there for me, yet, she has never been there. Since I was a kid, my mom always kept her distance. She did love me, but she was never able to show affection because she was raised by her parents in that way. For her, showing affection was a sign of weakness and awkward. The years passed and as I grew older, our relationship without out any expression of love became sour and negative. Having a negative parent can be a very painful and challenging experience.
When I was 9 years old, I remember trying to cuddle with my mom when we were sitting down in church. She pushed me off her shoulders and yelled at me infront of everyone because she assumed I was being lazy. Little did she know that I just missed her and wanted to give her affection. After that moment, I decided to never get close to my mother again.
My mother always assumed the worst in any situation. I guess it was a defence mechanism because she was afraid of being disappointed by not having her expectations met. She wanted me to be the best that I could be, but she was so afraid that I would not deliver. So she simply got into the habit of expecting the worst outcome. This way, she would never get hurt or disappointed Since she always expected the worst from me, and constantly repeated it, it made me believe that maybe I wasn’t meant to achieve anything in life.
When I try to think about the moments when my mom said that she was proud of me; it's hard to recall any. Sometimes, I even wonder if it ever happened at all. If it did, it was probably very brief. When people around you make you feel low and plant negative thoughts in you, it creates unbalances in your life. Even though we might be unaware, people have a major impact on our life. They can either support you to become successful or drain your energies completely. It’s important to be aware of the energies that people send to you. Remember that most negative people aren't aware of this. That's why it's important to make compromises and be understandable.
The problematic situation
It took me many years to realize my mother was a negative person and it took me even longer to start working towards improving my relationship with her. My father died when I was 12 years old and my mother had to raise me and my brothers by herself. Even if my relationship with her was not great, I do not blame her for anything. Everything that happens on this earth is for a reason and has a higher purpose, especially the hard situations. She did the best that she could with the knowledge and the resources that she had. It was not her fault, she simply did what her parents had taught her. She did not know any better.
I believe the saddest incidents in life are the ones that carry the strongest and most important messages. They carry the power to create a new person. My relationship with my mom deteriorated quickly after my dad passed away. Later, at 19 years old, it was a complete chaos. We never hugged each other, never said we loved each other and never expressed affection towards one an other. I didn’t trust her enough to talk to her about my personal life or my problems because every time I would tell her about them, she criticized me and judged me without even letting me finish my story. She would bring me down, insult me and make me feel even more useless and guilty. For her, it was always very important what other people thought about us.
At a certain point in my life, 1 out of 3 conversations with her would lead into arguments. It was horrible and it made me feel very sad. Sometimes, I would lose control and say mean things that I didn’t want to say. It would create even more negative tension between us. It is not easy to have a normal relationship with a negative parent, therefore it requires a work, patience and dedication. If you’re nodding your head while reading this article, then you are living the same situation as I did. You are dealing with a negative person that you love. Luckily, together we can fix this problem. If something I have learned in my years as an engineer and reading books about life is that there’s always a solution to everything.
It’s important to remember that having a parent won’t last forever, and one day they will be gone, and trust me, there’s nothing more painful than living the rest of your life not knowing how amazing the relationship with your parent could have been. I will share with you all the wisdom that I have gained through my years of experience. Remember, it's never too late to start.
The steps towards the solution
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The first thing you have to remember is that a negative person is not a bad person, it’s a person who has problems, and maybe even had a hard life in which they never had a chance to learn a different way . These people develop a negativity shield to protect themselves against disappointment. I was able to clearly understand my problematic situation only when I started reading inspirational books. Through them, I got in touch with the spirit of the universe and I was able to discovered my true self. I learned that I did not need anyone to belive in me. All I needed was to start believing in myself. My mother often told me that I was stupid, a drunk, lazy, trouble maker, useless, a bum and lost. My subconsious mind started absorbing this information and slowly but surely I started becaming exactly that. But the universe had better plans for me. As I started my journey in the studies of spirituality I learned how to read the messages of hope, faith and reassurance that the universe often sends us - but no one cares enough to see. In time, I started to believe those new encouragements myself. I was able to transform my life from complete negative to positive. I was able to patch all the wholes, anger and disappointments I had in my heart, and replace them with love, hope and positive thoughts. That’s when I discovered the immense power of positive thinking and the destructive energies of negative ones. It was only after I learned to love myself trough self discovery that I was able to start working towards spreading love in my other relationships.
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In order to improve your relationship, you have to work on yourself first, become the better version of yourself. You can’t give someone what you don’t have. So if you are trying to teach a parent how to stop thinking negative you have to clean yourself of negative thoughts first. Try to think more positive and focus mostly in the present moment. Avoid thinking negative and avoid putting yourself down. Most importantly, read self-help books, articles or watch videos about positive thinking.
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The next step is to distance yourself from that negative person. When you spend too much time together, arguments will arise like any normal relationship, except that they will happen more often. So keep a certain distance. When talking to that person, avoid going into negative topics, and change the subject quickly. Always think ahead of the person, you know she will say something negative sooner or later, so just smile when that happens and do not take it personal. Remember that a negative person is so immerse in that world, that sometimes they don’t realize when they are being negative. One thing you can do is to politelty point it out that they are being negative. This will raise their self awareness of what they are doing.
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It is also important to talk to them and explain the situation and how you feel about it. Mention that you are working in a solution to improve your relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them and showing your feelings, send them a letter or an e-mail. You can even state in the e-mail that the situation is very delicate and tell her how she should go about it. This might feel awkard or childish and make you feel vulnerable but in order to reach a solution you have to get out of your comfort zone and put your ego aside.
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Try to help her with the little chores that she asks you to do. I know it's hard because they keep asking for more favors, but after all they are your parents and you were brought in this world to take care of them when they can’t take care of you anymore. Do things that would make you and them proud.
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Do not expect them to show appreciation for the little things that you do, because you might be disappointed. A negative person learned to block his feelings as self defense, so even if they are happy they will not show it.
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Another important step, is to give her a self-help book that you liked, one that talks about positive thinking, this might help her realise her own negative thoughts, because a person that is negative does not realize it. Give it to them as a gift and tell them that is very important for you that he reads it.
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It is important to do more activities together. You could start by doing grocery shopping, cleaning the backyard together or to go buy something nice for the house. Then you can invite them for a walk in the park, go to a restaurant, go to a forest, watch a movie, play golf, go to a spa and etc. Don’t worry if it doesn’t come naturally to get closer to your parent, it takes time and it is completely normal. Also remember to control your anger, even when they are yelling negative words just let them know that is not true and walk away. Remember, it’s not their fault, they are just unaware of their negative moods and they do not know any better yet.
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Now the most important advice is; perseverance. Improving the relationship with your parents will not be as easy as it sounds, it takes a lot of courage to get out of your comfort zone. But with hard work and patience comes great rewards, your house will be filled with balance and you will be surrounded with positive energies from your family.